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How
to sex up MOE I’VE a request to make to all you lovely people. If you ever sight a short, fat, handsome man furtively flipping through ladies’ magazines at a newsstand, please do not unnerve him further by sniggering. All he wants to do is make sure there are no instances of atrocious English in them like those found in some local bilingual magazines. You should instead focus your attention on how steamy the covers of some English magazines have become. Take, for example, these wicked come-ons: “Sex every night, can it improve your marriage?”, “Are foreign men better at sex?”, “The multi-orgasmic man: you too can become one!” And mother of all horrors, “Can celibacy improve your sex life?” You tell me, how am I going to bring these magazines home for my better half to help her improve her English? Why this obsession with sex, and what does it have to do with Mind Our English? Let’s face it, rightly or not, sex sells! Regretfully, that’s the key to attract more readers to MOE. Even Harlequin Mills and Boon has joined the club. It now comes in many flavours, with irresistible blurbs like “Jamie Denton has perfected the art of penning erotically sensual love stories that sizzle and tantalise the senses” and “If you like Sexy Romance, you’ll love Temptation – sexy, sassy and seductive”. Thus, if MOE really, really wants to up its ratings, it should adopt this dictum: “Sex is the object and the subject is me” in place of the narcissistic “I’m the object and the subject is me”. Once in a while, let’s have “I’m the object and the subject is sex”. Heck, when I’m in the mood, I could even contribute some heavy stuff for the “I’m the object and the subject is me”! Allow me the pleasure to give an idea of how to reinvent “Your Questions Answered” – sugar- and saccharine-free and with a dose of “Dear You-know-who”. Lovelorn Cowboy: I and my GF seem to be always arguing because she accuses me of not making myself crystal clear. For example, the time I asked her to buy a gift for her father’s birthday, and I did explicitly tell her not to spend above 300 ringgit. You know how much that silly gift costed me? RM599.99! Is she deaf or is my English that bad? Twisted Tongue: Without doubt, your English is very bad – the past tense and past participle for the verb “cost” is “cost”, not “costed”. Also, you’re self-centred and didn’t pay much attention to your “1-2-3”. Didn’t your mama teach you to be humble? You don’t say “I and my GF”, you say “My GF and I” so that in case of an accident, “My GF” gets more play for not taking basic cum preliminary precautions. What did you do in Maths class? Count your fingers and toes and pretty little pink ankles? You don’t say “above” 300 ringgit, you say “more than” 300 ringgit. It serves you right that she pretended not to understand you. In any case, maybe it’s high time to junk her in view of the constant bickering. Sweetie Pie: I felt like a slut when my BF decided to dump me before I could jettison him. I’m sure a smarty pants is behind it even though his SMS stated that he is splitting “on his own accord”. What should I do to salvage the relationship? TT: It’s a despicable act for a third party to poke fire. You can ignore that SMS on technical grounds. Luckily for you, he didn’t write “of his own accord”. Therefore, you should assume he was not of sound mind when he hit the send button. As to your last question, you should do what all good girls do, i.e. capitalise on your precious assets. Which hot-blooded guy won’t be lured? Once hooked, you can then jilt him. LC: I’d never been so humiliated. My GF misled me big time by hinting she would show me her “Forbidden Flowers”. She kept on talking about “Woman on Top” and especially “My Secret Garden”. In the end, you know what she actually showed me? Some stupid books by one Nancy Friday! I’m sure her sisters are behind that devilish plot. Should I nuke them? TT: She showed you those? Oh, my goodness! Before I say cheerio, here is a riddle: To you, I’m just a lowly body-part But I’m really your little pal. I do hold high office, though not the highest. Pleasure I give to men and women alike But must you ladies use me fast and furious As if there’s no tomorrow? And must you guys expect me to perform day and night Even after you have scalded me, frozen me, and smothered me? Exercise me if you wish; But if you ever bite me, I’ll scream to kingdom come. Who am I? ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Answer:
Tongue -END
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