Obsessed with SEX
By THE TWISTED TONGUE
SO much hate mail. I don’t understand why you people are so narrow-minded about my obsession with SEX. This is a democratic country and I have the right to write what I’m good at, i.e. SEX.

From experience, I find SEX a good way to avoid any misunderstanding. That’s why I thought about SEX first even before I opened my big mouth.

Whenever I write to Mind Our English, I always use SIMPLE ENGLISH X’PRESSION. But with the ladies, I use Sophisticated English. When playing with little boys and girls, I prefer Silly English. And I don’t care what type of English my lawyer uses so long as she gets me out of sticky situations, if you know what I mean.

This world would be a much better place if we used solely English in our intercourse with others in public places. Before you read me the Indecent Act, please check your dictionary. You don’t have one? You NEVER had a dictionary and you dare get offended with my choice of words?

Go and get the Macmillan English Dictionary CD-ROM. Install said dictionary into computer. To check whether publisher did really include all the naughty words (May 8), type in oft-used naughty words into computer and press “enter”. Listen carefully to their pronunciations. We don’t want others to laugh at us for being unable to speak good English.

It’s true, the more one reads, the more knowledge one will acquire. Some people insist that reading causes short-sightedness. They say the more we use our eyes, the weaker the eye muscles will become. I don’t know; my eyesight is still good even though I’m a self-confessed bookworm. I wonder what causes long-sightedness. Peeping into keyholes?

I’m not implying that, to preserve your eyesight, you should peep into keyholes while reading Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence. At one time this book was banned in England because it was considered smut, but now it has been reclassified as a classic. Psst … never mind about the dictionary; get this book if you want to be known as a learned man. Remember, you learned it from me!

Anyhow, I’m not aware of any class action against book publishers for damaging our eyes. I did ask my lawyer to keep “abreast” of any new developments in case my eyesight did turn bad. But she told me my eyesight would definitely turn bad if I simply used words without thinking.

Didn’t she know thinking is bad for the brain, just like reading is bad for the eyes? That’s why I don’t like to think – so my brain won’t be subject to unnecessary wear and tear.

Likewise, listening is bad for the ears. Me? Listen to MOE propaganda on speaking and writing proper English? Dream on!

MOE has a weird sense of humour. Where’s the pleasure in its ‘Poems For Pleasure’? Of course, unless you considered death pleasure! I did submit my favourite fun poem for your enjoyment but MOE suppressed it. Did they see a hidden agenda in that poem when there was none? No point ranting and raving about MOE being unsporting.

Talking about sport, here’s a fun poem related to the World Cup:

Those silly French

Made uncle lose pants;

Suddenly find no friend

To borrow some pence.

Since MOE deems it fit to wax lyrical over morbid poems, I had better redeem myself with book reviews. But wait! Are you over 18 (waistline measurement accepted)? If not, please go to the comics page; you’ve been forewarned.

Her full name is Susan Elizabeth Phillips (surely you’ve come across this name) and she is the author of The First Lady. The story is about the First Lady of the US who went AWOL, then got entangled with a certain journalist (better not mention his name here).

Of Ms Phillips’ books, the one I like best is Nobody’s Baby But Mine. Dr Jane, a physics professor, spends her birthday in tears. She wants a stupid baby because she doesn’t want the child to be like her – a nerdy professor! Where can she find a stupid man to father her child? She didn’t need to cry; any man could have volunteered. Which man is not stupid?

Phillips usually starts her novels with the heroine trying to sell her body to the hero, but at the last moment, the deal is not consummated. The story then harps on the heroine who is adamant about becoming an ex-virgin, while the hero is stubborn about not performing his rightful duties pronto! Now you know why her books are called fiction.

It’s so unfair for her to enable her female readers to identify with the heroines. For example, the heroines are usually not Dolly Parton nor Miss Universe types, whereas the heroes are the usual hunks. What about us, the male readers who are short, fat or bald? At first I got delirious thinking about scandalising her works. But in the end I had to classify her books as “18-SX”, i.e., for 18+ with non-excessive sex scenes.

I’m stopping here so those of you who are self-appointed moral guardians can bomb MOE’s mailbox! Maybe I’ll do it myself. With that, I’ve to bid you bon voyage.

-END

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